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Positive Linking eZine: June 24, 2016
Volume 135 | 24 June 2016
Hello there %$firstname$%,
Well, you may have read my message last week or read a couple of posts I made on Facebook about what an ‘eventful Event’ I hosted. For all of 75 minutes.
Having been rushed to hospital by ambulance only 75 minutes after I started to introduce the Event, it’s been quite a roller coaster ride. Whilst it appeared as if I had had some form of serious episode related to high blood pressure, it turns out it was all related to an inner ear condition. My balance and ability to walk/stand straight was so affected and it’s now – 2 weeks on – only just about back to normal. I’m not though %$firstname$%. Normal, I mean. As we both know, serious events can be life-changing. I don’t feel the same about the pace, fullness and ‘stuff’ my life was so packed with before. Being in A&E and realising how fragile everything is, us included, means I’m going to make some changes both personally and professionally.
My own mentor, Andrea, said that it was likely a ‘gift wrapped in dirty paper’ and she’s right. Already I see this. As I unpack it all further I’ll share some of the lessons learned and game-changers I’ve taken on.
In the meantime, we’re looking at picking up all the glittery, valuable pieces of the 3-day Live Event and putting it all carefully in place again for mid-October 2016. Maybe if you weren’t able to attend the June Event, you’ll want to come and join me and all the amazing women who want to come again and finish what we started together? If it was going to be a brilliant event before, which I know it was, I’m certain it will be even more so as a result of what happened earlier this month.
Here’s a snap of me on Day 1 just before it happened and another, a week later, recuperating and wearing both heart and blood pressure monitors. We’re fragile %$firstname$%. We think we’re bullet-proof. We’re not.
Thank you for taking the time to read this eZine as I’m sure you have so much vying for your attention. I hope the ideas and suggestions help you reflect and to show up, sparkle and be heard even more at work.
Warm and ever-sparkly wishes %$firstname$%,
Let’s connect even more
PS – Oscar Wilde Said it best, %$firstname$% when he said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Enough said.
Investing In Yourself Personally & Professionally
I am the first to know I’m not the finished article! There’s so much still to learn, to grow, to develop and to experience and I constantly invest in myself for both my and my clients’ benefit. So many people tell me “oh surely you know enough now Kay” or “I don’t understand why you read what you do/go to courses like you do” but %$firstname$%, here’s the thing. When you stop putting in good mojo into your think tank, things which challenge you and make you really s-t-r-e-t-c-h, then it’s easy to get complacent. To stop thinking you really can or want to learn. To think you know enough. I don’t think like that at all.
Over the years I’ve invested more than 6 figures in high-end mentoring, certification, licensing, courses, books and I continue to have a private business mentor for my own plans and developments. All this whilst being a mentor myself and coaching career women to their next level of stretch – and success.
This weekend I’m off to see one of my spiritual mentors – Byron Katie – who is hosting a one day Seminar here in London. I was introduced to her back in 2010 by another mentor of mine, Lisa Cherney (here we are back in the day with Lisa standing on a step due to our height difference!) and Katie’s work is both fascinating and transformational.
Ask yourself %$firstname$%, what do I want to learn now?
Stop Saying Sorry
Especially if you don’t really mean it.
“I’m so sorry, Oh sorry about that , hey there sorry to bother you, Oh, sorry it’s only me” – and on it goes. Saying sorry when, in truth, we don’t really mean we’re sorry —it’s often more about something to say than necessary and it’s a slippery, dangerous slope if you want to be taken seriously at work.
When I sat with a client, let’s call her Hilary, for the first time, we talked about what she thought was going on which meant she felt so stuck, so undervalued, so small – as she said.
As I sat with Hilary that first meeting, I quietly noticed how many times she said ‘sorry’ – it was about 15 times in the first explanation of her career history and after a while I was conscious of listening less to the story and the details and listening more for the number of times she said “Sorry”.
Because here’s the thing – it wasn’t that she was actually sorry, she didn’t need to apologise to me for anything, it was more that it was a habit and it was something to say. Nerves and habit. I knew that before we could go anywhere with her being more assertive or being more confident in any other areas, we needed to address the sorry word.
Unless you truly are sorry, you’ve made a mess up or upset someone and want to apologise, my advice is to avoid the word. At best it’s irritating for the other person as they start to count or wonder what’s wrong with you or at worst, people start to question your abilities and whether you believe you’re any good or worthy of things if you constantly apologise.
“Sorry but” or “Sorry no” or “Sorry to say” actually does 2 things in the moment – it tells you something’s up, that I think something’s not right and you actually can put people on the defensive or on the look out for some bad news.
There is a gender thing going on here too and it’s worth noting. As women, we’re hard-wired to keep the peace, to help relationships flourish and we don’t like, as a rule to upset people. It’s often why so many women shy away from conflict.
I want to invite you to watch and notice if and how other people apologise and the effect it has on you.
Notice if it is just something to say OR if they genuinely mean it. Also, notice yourself – if you don’t really mean it, you’ve just got the feeling you need to say something, then just stay silent.
Pause. Take a breath and here’s something else to say instead. Say “thanks.” Thank you.
Instead of ‘Oh, sorry for interrupting’ you can say “thanks for sparing me a moment” or instead of saying “Sorry if I’m going on too long” you can say “thanks for giving me your attention a little while longer”.
No apology, just you with your view or your request which is just as valid as everyone else’s and that’s where you become a more effective, confident and comfortable communicator. It’s also when you know that what you have to offer and share makes a difference and has value. No apology needed.
Do you want to use this article in your eZine or on your website?
Please do but only if you include this complete “blurb” with it: “Article reproduced with permission of Kay White, Savvy & Influential Communication Expert and Mentor at www.kaywhite.com.
Kay shows experienced – and often frustrated – business women (and very smart men) how to be heard and understood by accessorising their day-to-day interactions with subtle, influential phrases and words to make people sit up, listen and take action. Kay’s book, The A to Z of Being Understood is an international #1 Bestseller: http://amzn.to/kTJYdX and helps professionals make their voices heard and their conversations really count.”
To see any previous issues of this eZine or comment on an article, please go to www.kaywhite.com (you’ll find the link to previous eZines on the Blog page, on the right). I’m always interested to hear from you.
Nisha P and I started working together when she was first appointed to the Senior Management Team of a large public organisation. Her boss wanted her to become more assertive and more comfortable about her decisions to enable her to delegate more. Projects were being held up and deadlines missed as she felt she had to keep referring things upwards.
“The key for me is Kay showing me how to and when to ask better questions and to know it’s OK to “not know” or be a bit confused at times. Now I just ask another question and I listen closely. I thought I had to know all the answers straight away once I was promoted. I don’t worry so much now and this makes me feel much more at ease. It’s much more comfortable now being out of my comfort zone. I’m enjoying the managerial side to my job now as I’m starting to get results where I was struggling.”
N is for Natural, Negotiator, Now
For 3 more of these sort of positive, punchy and powerful words go to: www.kaywhite.com and find today’s words at the bottom of the page. They’re there to motivate, inspire, compel both you and those around you as you use them every day AND, see below for your Power List.
Loving What Is
The Work, as Byron Katie’s life work is known, began on a February morning in 1986, when Katie woke up on the floor of a halfway house, at a complete dead end in her life, and began to laugh. She had woken up without any concept of who, where, or what she was. Having her own epiphany moment, she became determined to give people a way to discover for themselves what she had realised.
Katie developed a simple method of self-enquiry she called The Work, a life-transforming system for discarding the stories we tell ourselves about what we can/can’t/do/don’t/should do etc, which are the source of suffering, and replacing them with the truth (“what is”) and a life of total joy.
Loving What Is, Katie’s book which explains how The Work works is a book I dive in and out of time and again.
Savvy Style & Sparkle Soundbite
A simple, heartfelt Thank You works
This is going to sound obvious to you. After the experience of being taken to hospital, having to suspend my Event, being back/forth to hospital for tests and relying on so many people AND having a birthday in between, my savvy style and sparkly soundbite is to say a heartfelt “Thank You”.
Writing notes to a myriad of people who’ve reached out to me, sent me flowers, cooked us meals, lent us their car when we need to get home from A&E and so many other small and significant gestures. I’ve found a lovely sparkly notelet and what I’m noticing as I write them is how the energy of gratitude and being grateful to people who’ve helped and supported us at this really shocking time, makes me feel better too. It’s a two-way street %$firstname$%. Win/Win. Thank you.
Known as the Savvy & Influential Communication Expert for Ambitious Women in Business, Kay mentors and coaches professional women who want to attract promotion, recognition and rewards at work without feeling they have to ‘sell their soul’.
Running her own multiple 6-figure coaching & mentoring business for over 10 years, Kay shows her clients, who are corporate career women at all different stages of their careers, how to naturally attract more income and opportunity while being true to themselves.
Kay’s clients learn how to present themselves most effectively at work and to combine strategic, planned career move-making steps with influencing skills. She also teaches compelling and assertive language and powerful mindsets around, for example, money, ambition and worthiness. She draws on her own 20+ years corporate career in the male-dominated world of London insurance broking. Kay started her career at 18 as a Secretary and left as a Director, having also worked for the company in Paris, to start her own coaching business. Some of her ex-colleagues have become clients and Kay still speaks French – now more enthusiastically than fluently.
Hosting an annual 3-day Live Event for corporate career women “Show Up; Sparkle & Be Heard LIVE” Kay encourages and shows women how to be the best, most valuable version of themselves so they’re ready to be paid what their worth and go for what they want with certainty. Crucially too, how to have more ease and more fun as you plan your way forward.
Kay is author of the Number 1 Best-Seller “The A to Z of Being Understood” and you can connect and find out more from Kay at: www.kaywhite.com
Living close to London with sighthounds, Jeffrey, Pharaoh & DeeDee, lots of Kay’s inspiration comes from walking ‘the hounds’ as she calls them – whatever the UK weather – early in the mornings in the local countryside. Kay’s husband says she’s the Pack Leader and he’s part of the pack.