‘Why’ is such a small and yet impactful word to notice, to understand and to be aware of as you use it. Really, why?
Well, it does two things very quickly, immediately in fact. Two things you want to avoid.
- One, it sends people straight to the word “because” which is justifying their actions/decisions and
- Two, it closes down information-gathering in the request for the reason or explanation.
It’s so easy to put people on the back foot, on the defence by asking “why” instead of other ways to extract information and find out what’s going on…
When children are growing up (and yes, we probably did it too) it’s seen as quite cute when they ask “why?” and then you answer and then they ask “why?” again and again and, often again.
As you answer them – or as you were answered yourself most likely, you’ll probably say “because” and “because” etc until eventually, often in despair, “because I say so!”
I recommend asking a more curious kind of question rather than an accusatory question which “why” is.
- Tell me more about that?
- What made you decide to do X?
- Who else is involved in this?
- What made you land on that decision?
- I’m curious, how did you decide to choose X?
Can you see, I’m not shying away from finding things out but what I am doing is avoiding putting anyone on the defence. Justifying their decision.
This is key when you want to keep people open to you, when you want to find things out without committing yourself to a position.
Defaulting to “why” is just too easy and you can then take a lot of time rebuilding trust and understanding when you don’t have to!
That’s why!
Or in someone else’s words…
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‘ “Why” is discouraged since it often implies criticism and evokes defensiveness.’
~Sir John Whitmore
And in other news…
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Douglas joined our pack 4 years ago now. Jeffrey has always been patient and kind to him and now to Thelma. The pack dynamics evolve as we all do.
